Quoting my children

by Mr. Sheehy

You know I love my job and I love my students, but if I could get paid to stay at home and teach only three children . . . I would do it. It has been years since I have brought the world one of these fun lists of quotes and quips, but again I have raided my wife’s notebook to share the wit and wisdom of two of my three favorite kids.

If you have children, I advise you to collect these kinds of quotes, beginning today. The moment your child says something that makes you giggle, run for the nearest pencil and scrap of paper and write it down. Then hide the papers somewhere where your two-year old won’t snag them and cut them into confetti, and when you compile a large stack, transfer them to a nice little notebook. You’ll always be glad you did it.

First, we begin with Eldest, who is currently four, and whom family members remember from a few years back.

Eldest: Do you see my little sister dancing with two cell-o-phones, Daddy?
said as both girls dance to Madonna’s Vogue and Smiles plays with phones

Eldest: Hey Mommy! Isn’t it funny that my tongue is POLKA-DOTTED!
observing taste buds in mirror

Eldest: You should call her and see if she wants to come to my ballet class and watch me dance.
– said in total seriousness and excitement about the woman who plays Juliet on our DVD of the Royal Ballet’s performance of Romeo and Juliet

Eldest: Edna would be good [Later:] What about, Grown-up Octopus?
– brainstorming names for Red Head before he was born.

Eldest: You’ll get better someday, Smiles. Your lips are swollen. [To Mommy: ] Smiles’s cheeks are always swollen. They look like they’re swollen because they’re big.
after Smiles’s faceplant on the sidewalk when Gramma questioned whether she’d broken her nose

Eldest: We two girls are workin’ on the farm. We’re givin’ the cows snow. Cows really love snow and hay.
nodding wisely in backyard, shoveling snow

Eldest: When are you and Daddy going to get bunk beds?
eagerly, after the girls got new beds that will someday be stacked into bunk beds

Eldest: When I grow up and I’m a girl teacher, my joke to my students is gonna be, ‘Your pancakes are FINE!’ And another one is gonna be, ‘Your STRAWBERRIES are YUCKY! . . .’
and on and on . . . after Daddy told her he likes to joke with his students

Eldest: Gramma, your brownies are as sweet as ME!
– seriously

Eldest: I’m really fast. I’m almost as fast as Smiles!
– To Uncle B concerning her speed of running (recall Smiles is only 2 and Eldest is 4)

Eldest: Do you know what, Mom? I’m gonna even run through the sprinkler when I’m an old lady.

Eldest: My bestest friend! Oh, my sister! My sister! Come in!
– To Smiles as Smiles visits Eldest in the play house

Daddy: This is a hairdryer. [Held up for inspection]
Mommy: It blows hot air.
Eldest: WHY?
before demonstration of hairdryer

Eldest: Did you have to eat leftovers?
upon hearing that Daddy and Uncle J. lived for a while with only Grampy Sheehy

Eldest: ‘God has given me,’ Moses said, ‘The heart of England!’
– announced, in character, out of the blue

Gramma: You know what? You talk a lot.
Eldest: Uh-huh. I do That’s because I’m important.

And now it’s time for Smiles, who is currently two and who is making her first appearance here on the quotables.

Smiles: Lay down! Eldest! Thank you welcome!
to a standing-in-bed Eldest

Smiles: Dat one, Daddy. Dat one–turn it off, Daddy.
– said to Daddy as he began singing Be Thou My Vision to her before bed

Smiles: Hi Eldes’. Happy, see you.
– umprompted, after naps, both girls still half asleep

Smiles: Me scraped my piggy!
– over the top crying after Eldest flipped her stool and scraped her legs

Eldest: Here, drink this. It’ll make your cries go away.
Takes the glass.
Smiles: Okay. [Wipes eyes] Me drink-ah water. Make me stop crying . . .

Smiles: ‘Sank you, for, hitting you.
– sweetly, with head cocked, trying to apologize to Daddy for hitting him

Smiles: I’m dying of thirsty!
– parroting Eldest’s cries of “I’m dying of thirst!” while riding in mini-van

Smiles: I was being lone-a-lee. I was being lone-a-lee by mineself.
– laying facedown in Red Head’s Moses basket with socks on her hands

Smiles: Woah! Mind own self almost breaked!
– upon almost falling off the chair

Mommy: What kind of fruit do you want, Smiles?
Smiles: Um, ummm . . . um, fwoot.
– at lunch

Mommy: Do you want Cheerios or Rice Krispies?
Smiles: Um, you choose for me, because I’m too tired to sink.
– in pitiful voice with head back in her chair

Smiles: It’s a YELLOW booger, Mommy!
Mommy: Yellow?
Smiles: Yeah! I need to go wipe it on mine pillowcase! Okay!
– races down hall with pointer finger in the air

Smiles: I’ll take care of her, ‘doh.
Daddy: Yeah? It sure look like you took care of her.
Smiles: Yeah, because she needs a doctor appointment.
– after Smiles violently dropped doll on the floor

In just a couple more years, I’ll be bringing you the quotes and quips of the third Teacher’s Writes child, Red Head . . . and he’s promising to be a doozy.

As always, thanks for reading.