The Earth: Who’s Your Mother? – A Survey

by Mr. Sheehy

Driving home from one of our big box hardware stores the other day with a cheap lawnmower as my load, I flipped the radio to a country station. The deep voice of the radio man cut in with this declaration:

And Now, a Global Warming Moment.

A batch of tips about how to save the earth from global warming followed. They included not letting your children run through the sprinkler and covering your pool with solar panels. Then the radio man came back:

This has been a Global Warming Moment, brought to you by Classic Country 105.3 FM.

My first thought: Global warming? Since when was wasting clean water a direct contributing factor causing global warming? And since when is my daughter’s glee at the sprinkler a drop in the bucket compared to the six people on our old street who ran their sprinklers from noon to three in 100 degree weather? I am stupider for having heard this.

My second thought: We’re all stupider for tolerating such nonsense.

All Billy Madison allusions aside, I am serious in my statement. An issue of concern and conversation has turned into a fad – a fad even a country radio station is eager to adopt. Somehow, in efforts to do good and proselytize the cause of conservation, proponents have simplified the issue too far – so far, in fact, that it has in certain ways left the realm of logical conclusions and reasonable conversation.

Now, officially, with the hearing of that radio ad (which aired on a country station in South Dakota) I am declaring it: global warming is Cool. It is so “in” that you can’t be tepid about it. To be tepid or to think that maybe the hype is out of control is more socially unacceptable than wearing leggings and mullets.

That said, I am here to help. I have put together a little survey to help you determine how green you are. Your answers to these questions will determine your right to be a part of the human race in 2008. I will report on the results after responses slow to a trickle – like a leaky faucet that must be fixed before it leads to the melting of the polar ice cap. The survey is called, “The Earth: Who’s Your Mother?”

Are you ready? Take the survey.